Procrastination Poem

Tonight I have nothing witty to write.
I spent hours today ignoring my life,
fortifying a planter
for dead and dry twigs,
I learned to make match books
from payphones and kids.
Now I sit on this homework
and I twist it around,
as my options fall empty,
and with nary a sound
they pick up all the puzzles
found in paperback books,
look round at the payphones
and give them sad looks.
For only sons know their mothers
will soon be undone,
and an answer is no use
without proper questions.
so find time to know freedom,
and lessen your haste,
and always remember
to let children eat paste.

tweet

I don't tweet.







Deal with it.

momma said

you just have to wait.

Sphinx Moth Picture Shows

I sit here sweating. The heat of this house has reached inside me and forced me out. Life has been giving me the things I told it I wanted. I was not specific enough.

Mondays always surprise me. I end up places before I realize I have left. Today I found myself inside my head. I must have climbed through a window to get there. I know I didn't open any doors.

I was sitting in the grass watching my life unfold on the flitting wings of a sphinx moth. I told him he was beautiful. He didn't notice how much more I could see in him than all the other people. They walked by without noticing. I knew he was more than just wings.

His interest in me was slightly more than lackluster. He used me as a sounding board for dreams about flying. But when it came to falling, he wasn't willing to take the leap. At least not with me. At least not yet.

This made me retreat even farther into myself. But I still left all the windows open, just in case something happened to fall in. Instead there were knocks at the door. The peep hole showed me traveling salesmen that never traveled. In every instance they received a humbling "I'm not interested" and backed their gas fed beast off my land.

Still I wait. My beautiful moth has not returned. He no longer shows views of my dreams on his wings. He never really did. I imagined them there. He has picture shows playing of another girl's dreams. He will always be willing to leap for her. She showed him there is nothing to fear from falling.

Maybe Tuesday he will fly out of her window and fall into mine. We will watch our own picture show unfold.

slow down, there aint no reason to run

I'm feeling this weird emotion right now. A kind of happy sad alive feeling. I don't know if I should dance or cry. There is something about fall that makes everything seem possible. I feel like I could create magic if I tried. I also feel lonely. I like to separate myself from the world and look in on it like I am viewing my own life on TV. Right now I am missing all the connections in my life that are possible and I push away.

I really want to fall in love. It is harder than it looks.

I really want to write songs.

I miss all of the people in my life that slipped into my heart and out of this state. I know some brilliantly wonderful people that I haven't seen in longer than I can justify. Some people make me realize I am alive. I need them near to me.

I think some of my happiest times in life have been when I was helping to make music. When Magdalena's Tea House first opened we would sit for hours making up songs together. I met some of my favorite people there.

I remember visiting Mackinaw Island one summer with my friend Chris. Our friend Matt was working there that summer. The 3 of us road bikes all over the island late into the night, beers in the bike baskets and a guitar on Chris' back. We lay on our backs in the sand looking up at the stars, singing. I wish it could have lasted forever. It is still the best memory I have. I won't ever forget.

I need these people in my life more. I need people who get me, who know where I have been, and have been there with me. What has this world come to when the people you love are the ones you see the least? I want to be on stage with Chris tonight singing. I am feeling the pain of lonely, and the joy of love. together. all at once.

love thy neighbor as thy self

I've been thinking a lot lately about trying to be a good Christian. I wouldnt even call myself a Christian if someone asked my religion, but I do believe in the basic message of the religion. I feel like there is so much negativity surrounding Christianity in today's society (well, all religions really). The true underlying message of religion is love, and love for those who do you wrong and others wrong. Instead of religion spreading this message of love, I see it spreading a message of hate. My new goal is to be the best REAL Christian I can be. I am going to find ways to love people that hurt me, and love people I disagree with, and love people I can't stand. If we all got to know our enemies, I believe that we would have no enemies left. After all, there is no self. Deep down we are all one.

Tired

I'm dead tired, but I'm happy. My first day of the new semester went well. As did my first official day at the new job. However, I can already tell that tuesdays are going to be my new monday. I'm on campus from 9am-8:30 pm with nary a break in between. The one plus to this long of a day is the way my bed is going to feel in 57 seconds when I am absorbed into it's pillowy softness. ahhhhhhhhhh......bed.

mes petites chattons

I love and miss all my cats. I like the company of a being that doesn't judge and doesn't notice any difference if I roam the house in my underwear. Being loved by someone that only asks for cuddles and food in return is nice. Plus, cats are an instant bed warmer. I miss having a warm body next to me while I sleep.

Fall

This rain tonight is calming my soul. I know that fall means summer is over, and school has to start, but I can't help falling in love with the change in atmosphere that fall brings. I adore falling asleep with my windows open and a crisp breeze blowing in, snuggling under the covers to avoid the cold. I love how everything looks more brilliant in autumn. The cloudy skies may be kryptonite to some people, but I know they serve a greater purpose. The gray makes the reds and golds all the more saturated until it seems that they might take over the world. Everything slows down in the fall. Things seem more possible.
Fall also brings thoughts of holidays and family, and let's not forget my birthday. Bonfires become more about warmth and less about light. A slight smell of woodsmoke becomes my new perfume. Trees drop their leaves, revealing their secrets to the wind. Hot cider warms the throats of masses, and corncobs decorate front porches. Best of all, the spirits come out of cracks and costumed goblins haunt the streets.

addictions

I think I need to become addicted to something healthy for me, like fresh air. I don't have any addictions right now but I can feel the need for one. I'm excited to have a job this fall that I can walk to. My car will be reserved for weekends and road trips. So an addiction to fresh air will be a lot easier to feed. I feel content.

favorite things

Today I went to an antique store and a farmer's market. They sell two of my favorite things: antiques and fresh fruit. I think I need to slow down my wanderlust for a while and just experience where I live. Because, Michigan is amazing and I feel like I missed out on its amazingness this summer. I bought a blanket to use in the guest bedroom of a future home. I know someday I will have a guest bedroom, and lots of guests. I also bought peaches. I love summer.

Time keeper

I just watched a movie where it didn't work out between the guy and the girl. I liked it cause it was more like life.

I've been feeling lonely lately. It's not because I need a man in my life. It's more a sense that something is missing. Maybe it's because my best friend just moved across the country. Everyone in my life seems to be moving on. I feel stuck in time.

I believe in yesterday

When I was younger I enjoyed life more. I had less, but enjoyed more. I had less responsibilities, less accomplishments, less knowledge, less accumulation of stuff. I really had more. I had more freedom.

I dream of living a simple life. A life in the country, close to a lake. Where I can grow my own food and make my own way. I want time to sit on a porch on a hot summer night. I want to listen to a friend play banjo. I want to make things with my own two hands. All of the things I do now, and the technology I use, make me feel so disconnected from myself. I hate missing myself. I don't care about money, I just want to be happy being me. Right now I am trying to make other people happy. All I accomplish is loss of self.

When do I get to swim in gelatin waves? I miss the sand between my toes. I miss picking daisies. I miss canning jars. I miss time spent laying on the floor in a sun-streaked room. And I miss peaches fresh from the tree. When do I get back to being me?

I think I may scream and throw all of my accomplishments into the wind... just to feel whole again.

bed bugs

so, we thought we had bed bugs. My roommate came back from Japan and started to notice she was covered in bites. It turns out we just have fleas. I feel like if we are going to have fleas, we should at least get to have a pet. I guess I could have an imaginary pet. Maybe then we could have imaginary fleas.

Cera

As a woman I find my comedy sorely overlooked. I am just as funny as you Michael Cera, but no one wants to put me in their movie. What's that all about?

Growing down

Run run run run away, it's all I keep thinking. I want to go someplace small. I want to hide in the wind. I am tired of always growing up. I want to grow down now.

It is hard trying to do a good job. For once I want to try and do a bad job. I am ready to give up on my perfectionist ways and just be broken for a while. The good girl inside of me won't give up. I do what I'm supposed to. If I didn't I'm not sure what would happen. My world might implode. I can feel myself floating around like a Santa figurine in a snow globe, listless and unmoving, and it feels right somehow. I am ready for the world to take me. I am sick of being responsible for the world. God, I sound like high school. Maybe I am already growing down.