So this is the new year....

Reading back over my old posts I have noticed a trend towards the macabre. This is not ok. It worked well for the Adams Family and Beetle Juice, but I look better in a slightly more Monty Python emotional wardrobe. Why must I be so doom and gloom? My life is pretty swell, I might even say it is the bee's knees. So...

My New Year's resolution: Love life, love people, love me.
This is all encompassing. In shorthand my New Year's resolution is LOVE. I will even love the doom and gloom moments that make me want to retreat inside myself and drag my inner Emo out by it's bleeding heart tattoo. I am pretty darn fantastic and so are all the people in my life. This year, and every year from here on out, I will enjoy them more. What is life without love, and what is love without life? WE (and this is where you come in) will spend every moment enjoying exactly what we are doing. WE will do all of those little things that we have always wanted to find time for, but somehow never managed to do. School and work are meaningful, and maybe even fulfilling, but the really important things in life are moments. So this year I am going to have billions of moments, and I want you to be a part of them. If you are game, please join me. I don't want this to be my best year, I want every year to be better than the last.

I love everyone of you with every inch of my being!!!!

build me up, butter cup

I feel down. Really low. Like my life is a bit out of control. My insides are all messed up in knots. I don't live up to my own expectations. I don't live up to others' expectations.

How is it that one event, one stupid silly event, can cause me to get so down on myself? I wanted to write a New Years blog that was about promise and hope that this would be my year. I want to run away. I always want to run. The problem is that I can't run away from myself.

I'm 2 seconds away from driving west and watching the sun rise over the plains.

Procrastination Poem

Tonight I have nothing witty to write.
I spent hours today ignoring my life,
fortifying a planter
for dead and dry twigs,
I learned to make match books
from payphones and kids.
Now I sit on this homework
and I twist it around,
as my options fall empty,
and with nary a sound
they pick up all the puzzles
found in paperback books,
look round at the payphones
and give them sad looks.
For only sons know their mothers
will soon be undone,
and an answer is no use
without proper questions.
so find time to know freedom,
and lessen your haste,
and always remember
to let children eat paste.

tweet

I don't tweet.







Deal with it.

momma said

you just have to wait.

Sphinx Moth Picture Shows

I sit here sweating. The heat of this house has reached inside me and forced me out. Life has been giving me the things I told it I wanted. I was not specific enough.

Mondays always surprise me. I end up places before I realize I have left. Today I found myself inside my head. I must have climbed through a window to get there. I know I didn't open any doors.

I was sitting in the grass watching my life unfold on the flitting wings of a sphinx moth. I told him he was beautiful. He didn't notice how much more I could see in him than all the other people. They walked by without noticing. I knew he was more than just wings.

His interest in me was slightly more than lackluster. He used me as a sounding board for dreams about flying. But when it came to falling, he wasn't willing to take the leap. At least not with me. At least not yet.

This made me retreat even farther into myself. But I still left all the windows open, just in case something happened to fall in. Instead there were knocks at the door. The peep hole showed me traveling salesmen that never traveled. In every instance they received a humbling "I'm not interested" and backed their gas fed beast off my land.

Still I wait. My beautiful moth has not returned. He no longer shows views of my dreams on his wings. He never really did. I imagined them there. He has picture shows playing of another girl's dreams. He will always be willing to leap for her. She showed him there is nothing to fear from falling.

Maybe Tuesday he will fly out of her window and fall into mine. We will watch our own picture show unfold.

slow down, there aint no reason to run

I'm feeling this weird emotion right now. A kind of happy sad alive feeling. I don't know if I should dance or cry. There is something about fall that makes everything seem possible. I feel like I could create magic if I tried. I also feel lonely. I like to separate myself from the world and look in on it like I am viewing my own life on TV. Right now I am missing all the connections in my life that are possible and I push away.

I really want to fall in love. It is harder than it looks.

I really want to write songs.

I miss all of the people in my life that slipped into my heart and out of this state. I know some brilliantly wonderful people that I haven't seen in longer than I can justify. Some people make me realize I am alive. I need them near to me.

I think some of my happiest times in life have been when I was helping to make music. When Magdalena's Tea House first opened we would sit for hours making up songs together. I met some of my favorite people there.

I remember visiting Mackinaw Island one summer with my friend Chris. Our friend Matt was working there that summer. The 3 of us road bikes all over the island late into the night, beers in the bike baskets and a guitar on Chris' back. We lay on our backs in the sand looking up at the stars, singing. I wish it could have lasted forever. It is still the best memory I have. I won't ever forget.

I need these people in my life more. I need people who get me, who know where I have been, and have been there with me. What has this world come to when the people you love are the ones you see the least? I want to be on stage with Chris tonight singing. I am feeling the pain of lonely, and the joy of love. together. all at once.